ANGER! Maybe the one emotion that is experienced by majority of people on this planet that has become the most visible.
Webster defines anger as: 1) A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility 2) a strong emotion; a feeling that is oriented toward some real or supposed grievance
The challenge of emotions is that they are “non-existent.” They are unseen to the eyes and unheard to the ears. They cannot be touched or grasped or held. They are only “felt” and only our sixth sense can tap into their power. That is the challenge of our emotions – they only exist as the intangibles!
Yet, out of all the emotions, anger has manifested itself in the most tangible ways. War, violence, crime, rape, murder, holes in the walls, thrown items, screaming/yelling, physical abuse, emotional abuse, lashing out, even cracked or broken windshields, etc. All result as the bi-product of anger. In fact, anger encompasses many of the other negative emotions.
The last emotional roller coaster blog and one in the ME RAW & Exposed series, I’ve written about: anxiety and regret, really are not emotions. I guess they could be more of a cause and effect. When regret occurs (stems from decisions/choices), it starts a series of emotions. Regret usually surfaces when a poor choice is made that we realize after we made it. This ignites the spark that triggers negative emotions. That cause then sparks an array of emotions internally, which ultimately leads to a result. One result could be anxiety if emotions continue to be ignored. Or anger can be an effect in itself. Another result can be control. A way to keep harmony in a dis-harmonious world. There are other various causes and effects.
Many of us are oblivious between the cause and effect. For one, we do not know our own triggers. The various causes that trigger or spark the array of emotions. Far worse, there is no “slow motion” button or space between the moment of trigger (cause) to end result (effect). Most people (including myself) do not slow their mind down enough to really zoom into that moment: where after a trigger is sparked to the tangible result of the manifested emotion.
Today, I look at anger much differently than I had in the past. In fact, over the last few months I have gotten another closer look at this emotion. Anger was something I came face to face with toward the end of last semester and the beginning of this summer. The interesting thing was … this time around my rondevu with this intense emotion had a twist. A new understanding opened.. a deeper one. A understanding that was unavailable to me in the past. Only because in the past I was so caught up in the emotion of anger,completely in it, that I saw nothing outside of it. Anger was all I saw. This time around was different because I had already started figuring out the various ingredients that made up my anger (discussed later in this blog). So this time around I had a stronger grasp to what was happening on the inside of me. I guess my space between trigger and effect had widen and in that space I was able to slow down and zoom in to see what I would find (also discussed later in this blog). What I found was a larger dream. A dream that I discussed in detail in some of my other blogs out side of the emotional roller coaster series.
So what did I discover? What did I learn this time around that kept me oblivious during all the other times I was one on one with the raging emotion of anger?!
Anger is the most common and socially accepted negative emotion. But below the surface it contains other emotions that are more unaccepted. Those include the emotions of: guilt, sadness. fear, love and happiness. Yes! Anger can become the end result or effect even of a positive experience. If someone is experiencing love or happiness and that is interrupted by an external trigger that starts a negative chain of emotions internally… anger might result because we might become angry that we no longer are living in the happiness or love we were in prior to the event that triggered the change.
As an example, this past summer I dealt with many loses. I dont do well with things i lose. Especially when those things inspired me to put a lot of myself in them. I have a tendency to put all I have in things – until an external forces shuts me down. Then I experience heart break. And some how I get up and do it all over again in the next adventure. Yet, this time around. I not only lost many things I put all my heart into, but for the first time in my life I found a deeper purpose, meaning, and commitment to my life. In this process I found a new level of happiness and love I did not think was possible in this life. So when that was taken away from me… i became intensely pissed. End result — anger! In the past, my anger was uncontrolled… this time around I discovered that I had gotten much better at controlling and understanding how I ended up in that situation.
I believe, anger is more often than not the tangible visible emotion that buries the other ones. In those times, we channel the other feelings toward anger because many people find anger an acceptable release since society tends to promote it. Especially for men, anger is really the only emotion they are “allowed” to show. Many of us have this belief, for example, that we want men to be the “strong” ones. So, sadness or guilt or fear, for example would be shunned in a society that says that emotion is weak.
Yet, strength comes from the inside. True strength surfaces when we can feel and accept whatever emotion we are feeling no matter how others around us may judge us for it. That strength allows us to not feel the need to channel one emotion into another one, but rather just experience the authentic emotion we feel at the time we are feeling it. That is true strength because it is not easy for humans to be who they are (defined by our emotions), while at the same time society says no we cannot be that. It takes much courage and inner strength to be able to go against the grain. It is a lonely road, but with greater reward. A path a few take.
So, if anger is one of the most common visible emotions, could it be possible for people to allow others to “be” angry without getting mad at them back?!
I believe YES! I have seen myself giving people that “space” or freedom to express themselves and not take what they say or share personally. However, I have also experienced myself take that type of moment and do the complete opposite – take it personally. In the end, I have come to the conclusion, so far, that which path I choose or fall into will depend on the level of trust I have with that person. A low level of trust, I have noticed, takes me down the taking it personally path, while a strong sense of trust allows me to stay grounded and focus in on what is happening on the inside of the other person.
In the end, the level of trust we have between people (or lack there of) can be measured by the level of things they say or do that we take personally. Trust and personal attack reactions are inversely related. As trust goes up, personal reactions go down; as trust decreases, the number of personal reactions go up.
Since anger is a manifestation of many other emotions, anger can be surrounded by confusion. When people do not understand what is happening. Things do not make sense. When people say one thing and do another. Even when we try to justify or channel emotions. It all gets thrown into a pot that cooks until it boils. Especially, when people just continue on with their day to day. It is common for friends and relationships to pretend or not talk about the “pink elephant” in the room. It is a way to avoid conflict, disagreements. Especially when most people do not know how to communicate effectively.
So, that pot gets bigger with more and more ingredients getting thrown into it. Some guilt here and there. Some sadness and love that disappeared. A cup of happiness that was taken for granted. Fear of rejection. Fear of success. Fear of inadequacy. Fear of isolation or misunderstandings. They all come together to cook the recipe of anger. Anger is just the manifestation of a pot that was slowly beginning to boil but no one even realized that they had turned on the heat.
As the human need to fit in and be accepted becomes of high value, we tend to explain our anger or decisions in a way that those around us may accept. At least that is what we think when the level of trust is low. So other more authentic emotions of what really upset us, like guilt or sadness or fear, gets buried and we justify our own poor choices by blaming others for our own actions. As we point the finger at others, on the surface we get temporary relief because it allows us to not face the deeper emotions that are really holding us back. Rather than focusing on ourselves in moments of conflict we focus on what other people did that caused us to get angry. We focus on the trigger, which is directed at the other people, but never take the time to figure out the Why.
Some how we all lose sight of the WHY! Why did another persons actions/decisions bother us so much? Why do I even care? Why another person living and being themselves is affecting me in this way? It is the answer to those type of why questions that provides us much insight. When we know the answers it makes communication much easier because we focus on developing knowledge of ourselves. People care to know about that information so people listen. Rather, when we focus on other people and what they did wrong causes defensive reactions. Once again linked back to the level of trust people have amongst them.
If people are able to slow down enough to pay attention (over time – it is a long term process that takes time to develop) to the various ingredients that get added into the pot and why (the purpose), then people are better able to understand their own triggers. Once we can identify them … we can then better control our future. The greater level of understanding we can discover of our own individualized recipe of anger, the more creative we can get in identifying the solutions to our own relationships. It is that recipe called anger that begins to unfold our recipe for life.
We all experience anger. We all have anger in us. We have anger within us for a reason. All that anger, that is triggered, has become embedded in our soul because throughout our life, certain experiences did not settle right with our conscious. I believe as we move through our lives, one of our journey is coming to terms with our own anger.
Anger manifests in various different ways depending on the personality of the person. Some are more obvious than others – the rage, throwing things, abuse (verbal and physical – even emotional), punching walls. Some people show anger in very real ways – murder, robbery, assault, rape, etc. Others are more subtle and we do not see their anger until we really get close to them. Some people show anger in passive aggressive ways. Hinting it here and there. Then there are the controllers who find it easier to control their surrounding so they do not need to deal with their own emotions. Controllers control their surroundings because they may have a greater challenge controlling their internal environment because of their inability to understand their own emotions. Others use sarcasm or jokes to share their feelings without sharing them. Then there are some who show it through their behavior but deny it verbally. I am sure we all experienced people who “stop talking to us,” ignore or pretend as if they do not exist. The silent treatment is a form of anger expression. Especially by those who find anger or conflict hard to deal with. These are just a few examples of how anger could manifest. It could be any combination of these and others I cannot think of. Anger is different for each person.
Bottom line, we all get angry and we all show it differently. Recognizing anger within us, learning about our recipe that make it up, then being able to communicate our anger through the deeper feelings rather than what made us angry. Anger is never about the other person, the why is always about us. It is that why that contains many of the answers we seek.
Many only see the external behavior of anger. Yet, stop right there as judgment takes over from then on out. Some of us judge others for being angry. We want them to not be angry with us. I know this because I feel that way with certain people myself. It is not easy to see others get mad at us.
It becomes a whole new challenge to become curious instead. Listen and ask questions to go deeper into the person to find out where the anger is coming from. It is even a greater challenge to do that within ourselves. To become curious of our own emotions. Take the time to sit in silence and really go inside so we are better able to …
Identify our own past, so we are better equipped to discover our own solutions to ultimately creating sustainable interpersonal relationships.
And My Journey Continues …
Written by: Suki Kang
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” Anybody can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” —
Aristotle
sukikang 